Monday, February 13, 2012

The Odd-Ball Client

Right - so a lot of people think escort-clients just want sex.
Well, maybe that's the case for some. But a good majority have much more elaborate emotional and recreational needs.

This email is from an extreme case (I absolutely love the guy, by the way) I encountered 4 years ago. It all started out quite normal:

 I have been in **Utopia** 4 weeks, will be here another week, and will be back in May.  I'm not interested in any sort of permanent or complicated relationship, but it would be nice to have some company once in a while.  Maybe we could get together sometime soon, chat briefly, and see whether we want to spend more time together?
But then got a bit odd:
Sunday 6PM is good...I am worried about 6Pm or later because then I will probably have been to the beach-bar drinking beer before we meet and that's not fun for you (well, maybe it is, but best not take chances).  I know I know, if I had any self control it wouldn't matter.  But I don't.  Trust me on that one.  I am a puppet.  

You definitely will be choosing the activities.  But rein it in.  I think the next influx to my account isn't happening until the 15th, so I need to pace myself carefully the next few days.  If your dying wish is to have your own private parade down **Avenue of the Dreams** or feel what it's like to be dipped in caviar and licked clean by 20 well-paid supermodels, then I'm happy to accompany you, but you'll be paying.

An itinerary would be awesome.  It makes me smile just thinking about it.  I love the fact that you are even offering to create one.  I hope it's extraordinarily and unrealistically detailed with regard to start and end times.  Be sure to allow travel time between events.  

Yea, boating is good.  What sort of boat are you talking about?  I've been canoeing down by **Cloud-lake**.  That was OK but not something I envision doing with you.  There are better boats around **Utopia**.  But I don't necessarily want to just sit in a boat.  I want to control it.  And I don't necessarily want other people there with us.  Unless it's a party and they have sangria and we drink and talk and laugh and jump off the boat and swim around naked in the glassy water at dusk and into the darkness over and over again until someone says 'Where's Maria?' and we realize with growing frantic horror that she slipped into the water to pee 20 minutes ago and is now drowned.  That wouldn't be so cool.  I know a guy I could ask about boats.  I might see him tonight, maybe.  I will look for him, because I like him and I like the people he likes.  It honestly wouldn't surprise me if you knew the guy, which is actually why I asked you about boating.  I didn't explain because if you don't know the guy it would be awkward to explain why I thought you might.  

Other ideas for things to do?  We can make bridles out of our shoelaces or bit of rope and ride horses bareback in some field somewhere.  I've done that lots, when I had chances.  I like it lots.  I like to walk and walk and walk and if I am with someone maybe drink wine or whatever and then kiss when we are in no place to possibly escalate things.  I like to work and help people.  I am totally itchy with the urge to do something suddenly useful lately.  I wouldn't mind digging a big hole.  I like spectacles. The cornier the better.  A sideshow.  A peepshow. 
I want people to tell me wonderful lies.  I love strings and rows of yellow-orange lights at night when it is warm.  I wouldn't mind playing with some puppies.  The moon is full now.  It rises a little less than an hour later each night.  It was just above the buildings before we met last night, so Sunday it will probably be visible a little before midnight.  I want to see the moon Sunday.  I like hammocks.  There are hammocks in the **beach-bar I go to**.  A sparrow bit my finger the other day.  I liked that.  I like eating walnuts.  I like smooth stones.  I like big stones. I want to go to a haunted place. I like gently touching things, and people.  Except I am too shy.  If you set an alarm for 30 minutes and when it beeps I get to gently touch you somewhere, anywhere, lightly, for 10 seconds, I would like that.  I want to laugh really hard. 
I want to make someone happy and not have it end in disappointment.  I want to see old friends.  I miss my cat.  I want someone to bite my arm hard enough to leave tooth marks.  I want to cry really hard and not be embarrassed.  I want to be exhausted.  I want to feel that weird wrong size feeling that sometimes happens in my limbs, or feel a zing in my spine when meeting someone's eyes.  I want to be able to look at someone and really really really see them instead of a carcass with motorized pupils.  I want to trust someone and not feel sad about it because I can't be trusted.  I want to have a secret I'm not ashamed of.  I want a nice memory that I feel on my face and shoulders for days like a little sunburn.  I want to be liked.  I want to be respected.  I want to be handsome and nice.  
I want to be able to play the banjo and walk on my hands.  I want to eat some slightly old and hard cheese.  I want you to promise you'll tell me what you really think even if I'm paying for you to be with me.  I want you to bitch a little.  I want you to tell me how I can be a better person.  I want to really want something.  I want to be able to drink lots of water and not worry about where I will pee, or how often I will pee.  I want to see you cry because you're happy.  I want to take a little nap and think that when I wake up something new and nice will be in the world and I will see it.  
I want evidence that there is a God.  I want to sit in a chair and drink beer in the sun and shoot a slingshot.  I wouldn't mind laying on the ground and having 6 people lay on top of me, dogpile fashion. I'd like to keep a few promises I've made lately. I'd like to teach a kid a magic trick.  I'd like to hypnotize someone again because that means they trust me. I want to really honestly be surprised.  I want to be incredibly obviously undeniably wrong about something bad.  I want to have a passion and not have people think it is silly.  I want to really believe all the stuff I tell people.  I want to understand what the hell is going on sometimes.  I want to quit waiting for stuff all the time.  I want to write letters and draw and remember how to arrange things so they make people smile.  I want to be challenged.  I want someone to pay me two **units of utopian currency** for taking a dare.  I want to know the name of all the people I can picture so clearly because they're special and don't know it, even though knowing their name wouldn't make a difference to anything and there are too too many.  I want to know that there is something I don't know that I really want, so I can look for it.
I was, understandably, completely freaked out by this email.
But, you know, eventually I realized that most of the people I met had lists like this. They just never put them into thoughts, words or emails...

So - tell me - what do you want?

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